How many licks does it take to get an OxyContin habit?

There was a TV commercial millions of years ago for Tootsie Pops, a hard candy sucker on a stick that had at its very center, a Tootsie Roll, which is a nasty, fake chololate thing that's more aptly suited as a chew-toy for a dog, and probably made out of that stuff you seal head-gaskets with. The commercial asked "How many licks does it take to get to the chewy center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop?"

I got an email today that reminded me of that old commercial, and I think you'll see why.

First, let me just say, that I get tons of letters, and that you are welcome to write to me anytime. I will do my best to answer and help you. I will never forward or republish your email to me, and it will always remain confidential. As a writer I do have some control over the confidentiality of my sources, so you don't have to worry that some asshole from the NSA is going to send the DEA over to get you because you wrote me about the OxyContin you gobbled down and now have questions about it. Lastly, I legally have to remind you that I am not a doctor, have no medical experience, and you should never ever take any action whatsoever based on what I say because I am an idiot. Doctors on the other hand are smarter than everybody in the whole world, and we know this is true because the government tells us so, and demonstrates this by giving exclusive licenses to them.

Now, all of that being said, I did receive an email today that I need to share with you. However, there's no way I would ever post the actual text of anyone's email, so I am going to paraphrase its content for you.

Somone wrote to me, we'll give her some really fancy original name like "Jane," and she wanted to know how long she has to keep doing OxyContin before she's going to feel the effects of withdrawal.

Uh, yep.

She managed to get her hands on a huge, family-sized bucket of 80s. She got them so cheap too! Back when I was using, if I'd stumbled across a deal like the one he scored, I'd be happer than if I'd won the lottery. Suffice it to say it was a huge quantity of OxyContin tablets and she acquired them for about ten cents on the dollar as compared to the typical street price. Oh, and no, they weren't those smarmy little 10 milligram scooby snacks either. She hit the motherlode. Got it?

She'd never used them before this acquisition. A virgin to opioids, she has been using them for about 75 days, but did not say by what method she is administering the OxyContin. She has noticed though, that after a nice smooth buzz for a couple of days, she's felt kind of icky when she decided it was time to get back to the real world. As a result, she decided she'd extend her run for a week or so, and now she feels oh so good!

She's now a little concerned. She has no street contact to get more when her 44 ounce sized Big Gulp Prescription runneth out. She asked me if she was likely to go through withdrawals when the well finally runs dry.

I don't mean to embarass her, and I am teasing her just a bit, but in the event that there are other people out in the world who are in the same situation, asking the same questions, I thought it would be beneificial for them in the event anyone comes across my extremely wordy and obscure blog.

Before I let you read my response, I just want to say this: if you are in the same situation as this young woman, please realize that you are in dangerous territory. If you have to wonder, have to ask, whether or not what you might have felt is the onset of withdrawal, then the question isn't "What will it be like when I finally stop?" Nope. The question is, "Why the hell don't I stop NOW?"

Go smoke a joint, drink a bottle of Belvedere, go to Disneyland, go get laid, go eat chocolate, go do whatever it is that gets you off, but stop taking the OxyContin. Stop now. Any vice that you have is better than the one you are exposing yourself to. And, let me state that 'vice' is a really stupid word, because it says something about those activities being somehow morally wrong, and in my mind, they aren't. In my mind, there's nothing morally wrong about using OxyContin either. What's 'wrong' with OxyContin is twofold. First, if you get hooked, you are cooked. It's a living hell. Secondly, even if you get past the hooked part without OD'ing, without going broke, without dying, without losing your sanity, friends, and everything else that matters to you......even if you survive all that, I promise you this:

You might never, ever again, find so much pleasure in anything else on this planet.

Jack Nicholson made a movie years ago, in which there's a scene I will never forget. He plays a character who has a lot of psychological/emotional problems. He's in the packed waiting room of a psychotherapists office, and it's a foregone conclusion of course, that all those people are there because life just aint' giving them what they want. As he looks over the sad crowd before exiting the room, he glares, and loudly addresses the whole room with the following question:

"What if this is as good as it gets?" He turns, quietly shuts the door, and leaves.

Damn, that is cruel! OxyContin is cruel in exactly the same way. Forget the withdrawals, dependency, and everything else. If you survive, what if OxyContin is as good as it gets?

The real answer of course, is that life goes on. My shrink actually suggested that I might be correct to assume that I will never again find anything as alluring as OxyContin. He may be right, but that doesn't mean I should, or anyone else should, give up. Life will go on, but why put yourself through the hell that most of the people who write to me have gone through (myself included).

Oxy sucks. Oxy is wonderful.

Getting screwed over sucks. Revenge is fulfilling. Somehow we manage to avoid killing the bastards who have screwed us over and life goes on. Maybe it's the same with OxyContin.

So to answer Jane's questions...

Are you going to go through withdrawal syndrome after such a short duration? I think you probably will, but you might not. Nobody knows for sure. I can assure you of one thing though:

...You will find out.

Do you want to find out now, or later?

Stop taking the shit right now, Jane.

Peace,

Gus