I really don't know why I count the days, weeks, etc. It really doesn't matter. What I am really dealing with now is addiction. Here's what I think I mean by that: Suboxone helped me stay off OxyContin for 18 months. Getting off of Suboxone was hard, but it helped me get myself ready for being clean. Now that I am officially naked (as far as my brain is concerned), it is so clear to me how my behavior led me to Oxy. I don't buy into a lot of the 12-Step stuff, but I do believe that I am in some way "addicted" to whatever makes me feel good. The 12-Steppers might call this a "character defect" but I don't buy that, and it is my perogative to do so (whether my perogative benefits me or not).
I am so easily led astray by my mind. I see something nice, I go to it.
I am more inclined to buy into the idea that addiction is a symptom of something much greater. My shrink turned me on to ACT (Acceptance and Committment Therapy) a couple of years ago. It can be found on the web. It requires LISTENING to one's own thoughts. As long as I do that, I stay out of trouble. If I take regular breaks to "think about what I am thinking about," it seems to work.
Anyway, being clean isn't like getting a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. Being clean is just what is supposed to be. It ain't easy, but then again, that's just the way life is. Perhaps my problem is the expectation that there might be some "easy way," but, we all know where that got me.
Peace and love. Take care.
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4 comments:
Wow! I can't believe I found you. Only wish you posted more thru your withdrawl symptom phase. I have been on sub for 3 years, down to half mg a day. Yes, a quarter of a tab! Sometimes even less.........
You are my hope........
Thanks,
Janice
Janice....I wish you well. I am now at three months. I still feel tired, but I am getting better. I can sleep through the night and my insides seem to be working again. Send me an email and we can talk.
Your probably going to laugh at this, but how do I send an email to you? Am I missing your address somewhere.....?
Janice :0)
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